| Letter to once upon a time lover. |
[Jun. 15th, 2007|09:59 pm] |
D,
I am so fucking pissed at you! I just got a call from Teddy, who said that he just saw you with some friends. Nice to know that you are there with them, you had the chance to hang out with them, smoke cigarettes, eat ice cream. You were able to make time for that but you weren't able to respond to my fucking text message. I have friends who are there for me, who will come 20+ train stops to hang out with me and listen to me rant about how much I am in love with you, but you can't respond to a fucking text message. You're a bitch, you know that right? You drive all the way here from wherever the fuck you live to "surprise me" (A.K.A. figure out what the hell I wanted to talk to you about) but you can't manage to respond to a text message cause you're hanging out with your ex, and someone who's in love with you, and a girl you hooked up with last weekend. That's insane! You don't understand! I see right through you, and I didn't before. I see how mean and fucked up you are. You're the same as all the others, someone I wanted to fix and take care of because I didn't know how to deal with my own shit. You're the same, you're nothing special and I don't care about you.
I keep waiting for you to call, to say "hey zoe, wanna meet up? i'm right around the corner. i just saw teddy but he looked really pissed at me. how are you?" And that makes me feel so lame! If you called I wouldn't answer. I don't wanna talk to you right now. I want to find out you disappeared somehow and I will no longer have to think of your existence on this earth. Because you'll be gone! You'll be away! No longer will I have to care, at all. You'll be gone.
I am so outraged. I don't want to talk to you or see you at all, and I know it would be absolutely terrible for me. But the fact of the matter is, all I want is to hear your voice, to hold you, to have it be what it never was.
I guess this is my hate stage in the stages of grief.
-Zoe |
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| if i pretend you're terrible will you go away? |
[Jun. 13th, 2007|10:09 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | broken | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | fxckkk you. | ] |
you took me then you broke me.
i'm angry and
i'm hurt. i get so mad at you!
and i'm going to see you tomorrow.
i'm going to see you
and your face.
you and your friends.
you and your smile.
and suddenly i need a change of pace.
i need a new lover, some holes in my face
and a brand new understanding.
i need the knowledge that enough time has passed
and that i can forget about you.
i need to know i am no longer shattered,
or lost.
goodnight, moon. |
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| so me and you. |
[May. 20th, 2007|06:13 pm] |
we fucked and we didnt pretend.
we held hands and we touched eachother
i didn't really touch you
and i'm not sure how i feel about that.
so i'm scared and i miss you.
i wish you were right here talking to me.
i'm scared of emotional attachment. love. hate. wanting to run away. my constant yearn for an adventure. will you come on this adventure with me? will you kiss me in the rain promise you won't break my heart? i'm sure it will be more of an adventure than i'm used to. it will be one you've had before and all i can do is hope that that fact doesnt change things to much.
suddenly i have something on my mind. something to worry about and love. to contemplate during the time of chain smoking cigarettes. i can't say i enjoy it, but i sure wouldn't give it up. i'm tired and i'm dirty. i need a shower and a silly movie.
good night babe. am i falling in love with you? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2007|11:21 pm] |
I'm feeling tired and lethargic.
I'm tied down by age
but it also sets me free
I'm pinned to the ground
by gravity
and I'm heavy with a teenage heart
full of emotion
I'm tired and I'm sad
I can't say that I'm used to these feelings
You say "confusion leads to drama"
I wonder where this is going then
I'm lost under the weight
of expectations and forgotten memories
You say "you need to be hand held through education"
what are you, but a judgement?
What is education?
Who are you to say that high school diploma
will open more doors?
What is a diploma? Does it measure your intelligence?
Or how good you are at handling pressure and
following rules?
See me for my heart,
my personality and ability to love and enjoy.
Love me for the love I can give you,
and for the adventures that I will some day have. |
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| misunderstood memories |
[May. 6th, 2007|08:58 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | dont | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | folded legs and the offspring! | ] |
you said: i think shes confused
after she sang a love song to my voicemail
you asked: is she dateable?
thats not all i care about. but shes beautiful.
and i'm much more ready to love than you'll ever know.
i hate drama and i crave it. ever had that feeling?
i love abusive relationships cause then others
can treat me the way i already treat myself.
you said: i'm thinking of ending it all
i told you, i said dont
what do you say to a person like that anyway?
i'm sorry your life is so fucked up you dont wanna be in anymore?
do you say: are you ever gonna find your way outta your cloud?
cause i hate seeing you so said?
i said: dont. |
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| cutting the connection before it existed |
[Apr. 22nd, 2007|09:42 pm] |
i'm stunned and i'm sad. i'm terrified. this is all so fucking crazy and i regret it.
sick of daydreams. hoping for something that will never come true. getting involved in something and wasting your fucking time. non of it is worth it and i'm tired of those fucking daydreams.
the thing is you're so tempting and seductive. sometimes you seem so able to give me what i want and need. then when we talk about you forever and you never ask about me i wonder why i ever wanted you. you seem like you're wasting your time waiting for him to come to you. guess what? he'll never show up and you know it. do you put yourself in situations where you know you'll get hurt just so you can expect it? thats so messed up okay? i can relate though, and i'm so terribly sorry.
why are you so messed up? and does that make you attractive? if so, why? why do i keep getting semi-involved with people whos minds seem more complex than anything that exists? is it because i myself know that they will be the ones to hurt me? and thats what i'm used to so i go for that?
i am so sick of you. go awayyy. pleaseee. |
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| I'm inside out and upside down |
[Apr. 21st, 2007|11:56 am] |
i've been turned upside down
they all laugh as
blood rushes to my head
i've been torn
and i've been broken
leaving scar tissue
to make map across my body
i've fought and i've won
only to feel the remorse
of seeing blood on my hands
i've been stuck under water
pushing my fists through the blue
thinking
get me out of here
screaming into water
help me
what a terrible listener
i've been high on laughter
walk with me
through the thunder storm
i wanna learn about you
I've made a box with splatter-paint
our hands are covered in paint
lets make an imprint
that i'll try to forget
"are you gonna punch me again?"
"...yes"
i've woken up crying
trying to let the tears out
detox
i dont know what that was
but it feels good to let go
i've lived to smile
tried to hard
i wanted to get
something i didnt believe in |
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